Coloconnect wrote recently in her blog.............
"I don’t think I can worry about how other people perceive me. Lately I have read some stuff that appears not to match bottom and top….So be it. I can only deal with my own communications. I can only be responsible for what I actually do and say. You can see what you want and believe what you want….we are still writers here…Sometimes writers of our lives…Everyone sees things through different eyes….I just have to make sure that my eyes are open and my heart isn’t closed. "
For some reason this statement allowed me to have a V8 moment. The post is about recent activity here on blogstream, but knowing Colo like I do, I read between the lines . I know darn well that this post had a message of lessons learned in the real world. That's the thing about life lessons, they do creep up on you and knock you on the head.
She ends the post with this:
"Funny thing about society and community is that they have always been bigger than I am….Funny thing about karma…I can only worry about my own.
I remain clueless in Texas... "
From the post entitled, "Sorry Taylor or The Funny Thing About Karma". Do go read the post.
Of course the first thing that struck me once I had finished reading the post was the last line. "I remain clueless in Texas". I feel the exact same way about myself. Clueless in Pa.
Here, I have been patting myself on the back for being insightful about my life. I have been smug in self realization of just how strong and in control I have been.
Bonk...............who threw the tomatoe juice??????
My control has always been a mechanism for dealing with my fears. I have created a nice little box within which to live. I never challenge myself because I am constantly afraid of failure.
As most of you know, many things in my life are beyond my control. It would seem that once the issues started occurring that were beyond my control, ie.,Gabe's disability and Colleen's health issues, I simply gave up living my own life.
I have been static, holding my place in line so to speak, in order to feel as though I had control over the parts of my life that were trying and difficult.
The few times I have challenged myself to move forward in my own living, something has happened to send me straight back under that blanket of comfort. I was safe and secure with the confines of wife, mother, homemaker. The challenges presented within the confines of this small world were predicatable and well within my grasp to handle.
The real problem with this however, is that I no longer interact in the big world. I no longer want to face a challenge in any manner. I procrastinate and make promises to myself to change, that I immediately break.
This has become an issue in my marital life. Although certainly not the major issue at hand, this notion has been underlying fuel for the fire that now seems to be burning the acreage of my life.
I am so deep under this blanket that it affects my ability to trust myself. It seems so crucial to humans in general that they are able to trust their instincts. I have instincts, but have little faith in my ability to recognize a healthy decision.
Realizing that my decisions affect my kids is a respectable idea, but to make an unwise choice because I have failed to involve my own interests and well being, nullifies the impact.
I have long deluded myself into believing that doing the right thing where the kids are concerned is the only responsibility I have in this life.
The truth is that I have used that excuse to make important decisions concerning all aspects of my life. It has been the one idea that I can rely on to guide me. It is safe, smart on the surface, and smacks of ideological responsibility to society.
Like the well groomed exterior of a house, it all looks great, until you rub the smear off the window pane and look inside. There are boxes everywhere and trash strewn about.
Thus, I have decided to regain a healthier perspective. Because I am so deeply entrenched in this way of living I have decided to seek out some counseling. I cannot do it alone.
Perhaps if I have a healthier mental perspective on my own life, then I can have a healthier perspective on my marriage.
Again, I inquire, who threw the can of tomatoe juice??????
