Often lately, I have found myself remembering bits of memories from childhood. Perhaps I have just been in a pondering mood, but I do want to try to write these recollections down.
My Mother is a determined woman. Once she gets a thought she moves heaven and earth to accomplish that thought. As you can imagine she isn't afraid of hard work.
When I was a very young child we moved a total of at least 17 times. This is according to my father who has always been entirely exasperated with moving, or for that matter change in general. I think my mother liked the act of moving, finding a good location, scrubbing the new apartment, packing and unpacking. I suspect she felt a sense of accomplishment. I also remember clean polished buster brown shoes and very white undershirts. I remember the most locations after the age of 5.
We moved to Skowhegan Maine when I was about 5. I remember starting kindergarten at an old brick schoolhouse near the Kennebec River. That would have been around 1967-68. I remember the roughness and fury of the river and the dreaded suspended foot bridge. The bridge was suspended over a deep ravine.
I have vivid recollections of walking over that horrid footbridge, holding my Mother's hands. I recall her admonishing me to stay close and not to go near the edge. I remember her iron grip on my hand, and the nausea I felt everytime I knew we had to walk over the bridge.
More vividly, I remember my Mother's determination to run her errands. The only way to get where she needed to go was to walk the footbridge. We did not have a vehicle at the time, nor did my mother drive until much later. I always sensed her panic and fear of the bridge that would swing in the breeze. For my little 5 year old mind the bridge did not seem particularly sturdy or safe. To this day I have an intense fear of heights. I blame it on that damn bridge. But I am still amazed at the determination of my mother.
I started kindergarten, and shortly after I recall having to dress up in a storybook costume. I cannot remember the circumstances. Vaguely, I recall a contest of sorts, and I remember feeling fiercely competitive.
My Mother sewed my costume, Little Bo Peep. I carried a stuffed lamb and a staff that was really a bent curtain rod. I was intensely proud, and felt beautiful.
I wish I could remember why I was wearing the costume, but do recall being sent out to recess before the judging. I was so afraid to get that lovely Bo Peep Dress dirty. Soon though youthful exuberance overtook me and I decided to have a go on the slide. Right behind me was a little blonde boy . I remember the glint of his sun bleached hair and the devilish look in his eyes. His name was Mark.
Mark, was a troublemaker, but weren't all boys at that age out to perturb little girls? I was a quarter of the way down the slide when Mark grabbed my shepards staff, aka bendable curtain rod. I remember than being really angry as I yanked it out of his grip and the curtain rod came apart. I had the bottom half and he had the crook half. I landed at the foot of the slide and whirled around just in time for Mark, who landed at the bottom in a careless heap. Without thinking I swung the half of the curtain rod straight over his head, whipping him hard. Thwwapp.
I do not remember if I got into trouble although I am sure I did. That part of the memory remains a mystery. But what I do remember is thinking that Mark had ruined my chances of winning the costume contest by breaking my staff and I was inconsolable.
It really is curious how experiences shape our young personalities. I am now most assuredly afraid of heights. I am intensely competitive in certain situations and I hate change. I have rarely been attracted to blonde haired boys/men. Leaves you to wonder how much of our personalities are shaped by events and not genetics.
For the next few weeks , I am going to reprint many of the old blog entries, from my old non working blog to here. I want to do this so that I can get rid of the other blog! Happy Reading! This entry was one of the very first entries I made after starting my blog. It received one comment!
I just cannot believe the amount of extra pressure that a simple part time job can bring. I had tried explaining to James that I was not suited to deal with the guilt of doing everything in my life at a 30 percent level of dedication and completion. But that is the bottom line truth. Everything I do has to be accomplished at a 30 percent dedication level. It has left me frustrated, exhausted and ready for a small island in the South Pacific.
This morning, after a sleepless night, I had to call into work yet again. I have been there three weeks, and I have called in for one day per week. Last night Gabe started having symptoms of a urinary tract infection. He was in pain and fussy all night, therefore I did not sleep. When he develops a UTI, he is incontinent, in severe pain and has bouts of loose bowels. It isn't the lack of sleep that kept me home, but the fact that I could not send him to school suffering. Add Miss Colleen into the care taking mix, and you can see why I am needed here and not at work. But oh do I feel guilty and useless. Trust me, it is not as if there isn't enough work right here to keep me strung out! But I had to go heed my husband's advice and attempt to help out the family finances. Thus, either I get accustomed to functioning on all levels at 30 percent, or something has gotta go. Let us consider this.
I work 4 hours a day at most 5. I work 3-4 days a week, but have been averaging 3 days thus far. Although work isn't physically demanding, it is a demand on my time away from home. Meals, laundrey, dishes, and 2 disabled kids add to my pressure as well as Dr. appointments and now PT for Miss Colleen. I clear about 75 dollars a week, so I am bringing in an additional 300 dollars a month. That is not life altering money, especially since I am so strung out trying to earn that amount.
Granted, once Colleen gets through the worst of her surgery and is back to school, things will ease up. I am probably just looking at this situation from a stressed out perspective.
So then, how do other Mom's do it? Once again I realize that my situation is beyond normal. But even in the best circumstances, kids do get sick. It is no wonder that women are passed over for promotions, and get payed less then men. Are we all functioning at a 30 percent level? Are we all spending 20 percent of our days flogging ourselves for not measuring up? It is not surprising that the vast majority of women suffer low self esteem. We are constantly forced into situations where we must make difficult choices. We are constantly forced into believing that we as individuals are lacking somehow in motivation and work ethic. Ultimately these choices manifest in self flagellation and marked decline in personal satisfaction. Thus everything in our lives suffer including relationships and our own physical health.
In my situation, I am fortunate to have a helpful husband. Still, he makes much more money then I do, and must, given the nature of his job, attend work as much as possible. He also provides the family with much needed Health Insurance. Honestly, I would rather be doing a job that fulflled me as a person, not working to earn a little extra income. There again, though, lies another hard choice for women. Often the money lies in jobs that are less savory to them, or the job offers a certain freedom of work hours. That is my case. I chose this job because it did allow me the opportunity to be at home with the kids more, so that I did not have to alter their lives, or pay a sitter. Still, the demand on my time and mental functioning are stupendous. I want to work the required hours and do a good job while I am there. I want to be a great Mom, a great Wife, a Great Caretaker of house needs and a terrific employee. Where then does that leave me? Back again to the questions that I started this post with.
Origins and early success (1973-1982)
The Wilson sisters grew up in Southern California and Taiwan before their Marine Corps father retired to the Seattle suburbs. After attending college they returned to Seattle, with Nancy working as a folksinger and Ann joining a hitherto-all-male local group in 1970. (This group was formed in 1963 by Steve Fossen and Roger and Mike Fisher as the Army. They later changed their name to White Heart, shortened to Heart in 1974.) Upon joining, Ann became Mike Fisher's girlfriend, and when Nancy joined in 1974, she became involved with Fisher's brother, lead guitarist Roger.
The band moved to Canada.[1] After many one-nighters around their new home of Vancouver, they attracted the attention of Mushroom Records in 1975, a Vancouver-based label run by Shelly Siegel. He had them cut Dreamboat Annie, which upon release in Canada sold 30,000 copies, no doubt benefitting from CRTC Canadian content regulations. In the US Siegel released the album first in Seattle, where it quickly sold another 25,000. With two hit singles - "Crazy on You" (#35, 1976) and "Magic Man" (#9, 1976), - Dreamboat Annie eventually sold over a million copies.
By early 1977, Heart had broken its contract with Mushroom Records and signed with CBS' subsidiary Portrait, a move that resulted in a prolonged legal battle with Siegel. In retaliation, he released the partly completed Magazine at the same time that Portrait released Little Queen. A Seattle court ruled that Mushroom had to recall Magazine so that the group could re-mix several tracks and re-do vocals before re-releasing the disc. (They had wanted the album taken off the market completely.)
Little Queen, with the hit "Barracuda" (#11, 1977), became Heart's second million-seller; Magazine and the double-platinum Dog and Butterfly followed suit in 1978. During sessions for Bebe Le Strange the Wilson-Fisher liaison ended. Roger Fisher formed his own band in the Seattle area. Howard Lesse and Nancy took up guitar slack, and her childhood friend Sue Ennis helped out on song collaborations. The group hit the road for a 77-city tour to support Bebe Le Strange, then returned to make Private Audition in 1982.
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This morning, after a sleepless night, I had to call into work yet again. I have been there three weeks, and I have called in for one day per week. Last night Gabe started having symptoms of a urinary tract infection. He was in pain and fussy all night, therefore I did not sleep. When he develops a UTI, he is incontinent, in severe pain and has bouts of loose bowels. It isn't the lack of sleep that kept me home, but the fact that I could not send him to school suffering. Add Miss Colleen into the care taking mix, and you can see why I am needed here and not at work. But oh do I feel guilty and useless. Trust me, it is not as if there isn't enough work right here to keep me strung out! But I had to go heed my husband's advice and attempt to help out the family finances. Thus, either I get accustomed to functioning on all levels at 30 percent, or something has gotta go. Let us consider this. 
I work 4 hours a day at most 5. I work 3-4 days a week, but have been averaging 3 days thus far. Although work isn't physically demanding, it is a demand on my time away from home. Meals, laundrey, dishes, and 2 disabled kids add to my pressure as well as Dr. appointments and now PT for Miss Colleen. I clear about 75 dollars a week, so I am bringing in an additional 300 dollars a month. That is not life altering money, especially since I am so strung out trying to earn that amount.
Granted, once Colleen gets through the worst of her surgery and is back to school, things will ease up. I am probably just looking at this situation from a stressed out perspective.
So then, how do other Mom's do it? Once again I realize that my situation is beyond normal. But even in the best circumstances, kids do get sick. It is no wonder that women are passed over for promotions, and get payed less then men. Are we all functioning at a 30 percent level? Are we all spending 20 percent of our days flogging ourselves for not measuring up? It is not surprising that the vast majority of women suffer low self esteem. We are constantly forced into situations where we must make difficult choices. We are constantly forced into believing that we as individuals are lacking somehow in motivation and work ethic. Ultimately these choices manifest in self flagellation and marked decline in personal satisfaction. Thus everything in our lives suffer including relationships and our own physical health.
In my situation, I am fortunate to have a helpful husband. Still, he makes much more money then I do, and must, given the nature of his job, attend work as much as possible. He also provides the family with much needed Health Insurance. Honestly, I would rather be doing a job that fulflled me as a person, not working to earn a little extra income. There again, though, lies another hard choice for women. Often the money lies in jobs that are less savory to them, or the job offers a certain freedom of work hours. That is my case. I chose this job because it did allow me the opportunity to be at home with the kids more, so that I did not have to alter their lives, or pay a sitter. Still, the demand on my time and mental functioning are stupendous. I want to work the required hours and do a good job while I am there. I want to be a great Mom, a great Wife, a Great Caretaker of house needs and a terrific employee. Where then does that leave me? Back again to the questions that I started this post with.
